Over this past month I’ve felt like God has been trying to tell me something. I just couldn’t ever figure out what it was He wanted me to know.
Today I think I found my answer. But in order to explain, I have to start from the beginning.
In early February I came down with laryngitis (inflammation of the vocal cords), except I didn’t know that, so I sang with an infected voice for two weeks (did I mention February was Step Sing month). By the time I discovered it two weeks later, the overuse of my voice and lack of sleep had only made it worse. By the end of February we had gotten rid of the infection, but then we discovered my vocal cords were still severely swollen, which is why I couldn’t sing when I tried to and why it still hurt to speak. My doctor basically told me I needed to lay off my voice for a week, so I did. But it didn’t really help, and another week passed with a lot of pain in my voice, so he ordered me on complete vocal rest. For two weeks.
Anyone that knows me at all knows that I like to talk, and that I talk a lot, but more importantly I love to sing, and I sing a lot. To have my voice taken away from me for what’s now been a month and a half is quite possibly the most devastating thing that could happen to me, or so I thought.
I was so upset, at myself and at everything that put me here. I couldn’t figure out why of all things I had my voice and essentially music taken away—what I thought I found my identity in.
From there everything seemed to go downhill. I not only had to survive class without speaking (mind you I’m in mostly discussion-based classes), but I also had to avoid all social settings because I knew they would tempt me to talk. I tried so hard to stay silent and I did everything the doctor told me to, but nothing seemed to be getting any better.
Then other things started happening, little disappointments here and there. Everything bad just kept piling up and I was starting to fall into a not-so-Meagan place. Everything just seemed to be going wrong and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I hate feeling out of control.
I was driving down US-78 coming home from Birmingham today, only about 45 minutes from my house, when I reached over to grab my water from the passenger seat. At the same instant I felt my left wheels riding the rumble strip, so without thinking I over-corrected and quickly forced my car to the right. It all happened so quickly. I realized that directly to my right was a giant 18-wheeler, and I was headed right towards it. Without thinking I threw my wheel to the left and over-corrected that way. But it was way too sharp. My car started swerving back and forth, and no matter which way I turned the wheel I could not get the car to stop moving. I ended up in the median and my side of the car came into the wire-median-blocker, and as I was trying to slam the brakes the median divider was slicing into the side of my car and in effect slowing it down as well as destroying it. Finally everything stopped. I don’t know how long I sat there. It all probably happened in about 7 seconds. Adrenaline kicked in, I called my parents and 911 without really thinking, I got out to inspect the car and saw the left side was all smashed from the front to the back, and the whole bumper was hanging on by a little tiny wire.
It wasn’t until I knew that a State Trooper was on his way that I stopped and let myself actually think about what happened. I was sobbing hysterically as I tried to maneuver myself down the highway trying to let my car hang on to what was left of my bumper and 3 miles down the median later I finally managed to get to a gas station where it was safe.
I remember I was staring at what was the back of my car and crying when this woman came up out of nowhere and asked me if I was alright. Before I could answer she just gave me this huge hug and let me cry on her shoulder, and she kept saying that everything was going to be alright and that I was safe.
I have this little thing hanging in my car, it used to be an air freshener but ran out of scent three years ago. It’s the shape of an angel and it says to “Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” It always reminds me not only that I can never be too safe when driving, but that God is always looking out for me and His angels are protecting me.
I remember thinking this woman was my guardian angel.
And I realized what I’d been missing all along was that I really needed God.
He knew the best way to get to me was first to take away what I thought I found my identity in (my voice) and then the things I proceeded to try to find identity in (the other disappointments) and then finally he knew he had one more thing to do to tell me what I had been missing all along.
It wasn’t until in that car where I could have died today that I realized I’ve been trying to do everything on my own for so long. It took a severe car accident that was totally out of my control for me to realize my whole life is not mine to control. It’s God’s. And I can’t keep doing everything on my own any longer.
A month and a half ago when my voice was hurting I thought God might be trying to get my attention.
A week ago when I received disappointing news that I didn’t get selected for a position I had worked hard for I really thought God was just saying “No” for me since I have a problem with saying no to things on my own.
Three days ago I heard a life lesson in Macroeconomics about how if something is not one of the most important and most urgent things in my life, I need to stop spending time on it.
Two days ago I had a nightmare (I also don’t ever dream) that I was in a terrible car accident and it was a miracle that I survived. I woke up with a terrible feeling that something really bad was going to happen like in my dream, and I couldn’t help but realize the irony of the timing.
Today I had a car accident where no one was hurt and where things could have been way worse than they were, and I realized how blind I had been all this time.
I’ve been trying to do everything on my own for so long. I’ve been developing an “identity” through singing and through leadership roles around campus, but all the while I’ve been forgetting where my True identity is. My identity is found in God and not all these other things.
I realized that all these things that had been happening were related, and they all had a greater purpose in my life. The other day I actually said verbatim “I’ve been doing too much for too long and God finally decided to slam the brakes on my life for me.” Little did I know how scarily accurate that would be.
Today was the last day I try to live on my own. On my way home I prayed a simple prayer that God allow this day to be for His glory and that He use me in whatever He has been planning for me in His Wonderful Plan. I asked Him to take the wheel in my life like I know in my heart He did in that car today.
It wasn’t about punishing me… Today was a blessing in disguise. Today God called me back into His arms and I finally gave up my reigns and let Him take control again, without my interference. It feels so natural for me to be in control and on the outside I was “thriving” so much off of my busy life that I did not even realize how quickly I was spinning out of control and essentially swerving my life-car out of my lane. Praise be to God that He was waiting in the median to save me!!!!!!!
Today, when all this happened, I just so happened to be wearing my sweet friend’s shirt for her mission trip that has 1 Chronicles 16:24 on it: “Declare His Glory Among the Nations.” Couldn’t have been a more perfect message for me to be wearing today. God wants to use me and I know now that I am fully ready to be used. Thanks to all my prayer warriors back at Samford and at home, I appreciate you all so much and am grateful for you help in giving me peace of mind. 💗
May the Saving Grace of God be with you all!!