it is well.
As long as I can remember, I’ve desired control. Desire probably isn’t even the right word—I’ve sought control. I’ve always said this urge for control is both my one of my greatest strengths and my greatest weakness.
On this side of heaven, sometimes the desire for control can be a strength—if it is directed towards a leadership position, or a job, or really anything where it can be valuable for a leader to have full authority over whatever’s in front of her/him.
BUT. On the other hand, what about the desire to control aspects of your life that are not yours to control? What do we do with that?
I think it’s an innate human characteristic to desire dominance—and can probably be traced all the way back to God giving Adam dominion “over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:26-28).
Even then, how do we stay purposeful in life and go about making change and positive things happen but also stay in the headspace and keep the understanding that ultimately we are not in control?
Well, I probably struggle with this more than a lot of people. Daily.
Around two years ago, I was in a really good place with a lot of things, but especially my understanding of God’s control in my life. I made an intentional effort to surrender the things I cling to (aspects of my identity, my leadership positions, relationships, struggles, victories, etcetera) daily. And I felt so much peace because I had a deep understanding that my life was ultimately not up to me—but that I still was empowered and challenged with taking action here on earth.
Over this past year, I slowly took back that control. Especially in the college / immediate post-grad times of life, I think it can be SO easy for people to desire control of their own lives—and let me be clear, not in a “I don’t want God to be in control” kind of way, but more like “I am tired of waiting so I’m going to take action in my own hands” kind of way. At least, that’s how I see it.
I woke up a month ago and realized that this had happened to me. Or rather, I made it happen to myself. Somewhere along the way, I stopped surrendering daily and started taking back aspects of my life and my identity that I wanted to control—and then I graduated and discovered just how much I was holding onto that wasn’t mine to hold.
I was confronted with this immediate, and frankly disorienting, lack of purpose. At first, I wrote it off to graduation having just happened, but as time passed I realized that was only a part of it.
I had been holding onto things that were not mine to hold.
And then I kind of reached a breaking point. So many things had changed around me, and I remember having this thought that I had lost my purpose. And then I realized I had been placing purpose again in the things I had—instead of in being a daughter of Christ.
I don’t mean to say that I had lost sight of my ultimate purpose in life—rather, that I added things to my perception of my purpose. In the midst of all the change and confusion of a soon-to-be college graduate, I had been slowly taking back control of my various identities—whether that be a relationship (my identity as a friend), a leadership position (my identity as an authority figure), a small group leader / worship leader (my identity as a facilitator), or literally anything else that I have in my life. Somehow, I had convinced myself that those things were mine to cling to, and together defined my purpose. So when many of these things listed and unlisted were immediately “taken away” upon my graduation, I found myself flailing and not understanding why.
I had re-built my identity on the foundation of things I thought I earned, but that were ultimately things God had given me.
The past few weeks, I have been re-learning what it looks like to be surrendered. I’ll admit, it is so hard for someone who innately desires control to give that control up willingly. But I’m also not one to back down from a challenge.
I’ve been listening to the Bethel version of “It Is Well” repeatedly throughout this month. I love the reminder that because of who GOD is—NOT who Meagan is!—it is well with my soul. Not just with my identities and purposes here on earth, but with my very soul—through it all!!!
May you also be on the journey to surrender, and may you understand that it is indeed a journey—and that it is okay to let go of control.
xoxox,
meagan
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For further reading:
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IT IS WELL (Bethel Music)
https://open.spotify.com/track/5t0izTLPeWYLiIfHPJbORJ?si=Ty4Pt5eyR8qWy2vFb7PrFw
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me
And far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well
It is well
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
The waves and wind still know His name
And it is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well
It is well with my soul
Oh it is well with my soul (’cause of who you are)
Oh it is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well
It is well with my soul
It is well
It is well with my soul
It is well
It is well with my soul
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well Lord
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me
meaganleighkennedy 